We all heard the breaking news today: Brett Favre is returning to football. We all knew it was coming, but now it’s official. I’m sure some people were elated and some even rejoiced, but if you’re like me your reaction was something like this: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT (insert favorite rant of curse words here) BRETT FAVRE !!!! I know I can’t be the only one out there right? So without further ado, here it is:
10 Things I’d Absolutely Rather Do Than Hear Another Single Stinking Thing About New Vikings Quarterback Brett Favre:
10) Complete an Army Obstacle Course. I did this a couple times in Basic Training, and yeah they are kind of fun. But only when you’re 18 and actually in shape. Me, right now at 25? Forget about it.
9) Eat a Handful of Chili Peppers. When it comes to hot foods, I’m a wuss, but if it meant no more Brett Favre – I’d eat a handful of these terrible little monsters.
8) Repeatedly Bang my Knee on the Coffee Table. I have done this numerous times in my new apartment. And well, it just hurts. I don’t wish that uncomfortable, awkward pain on anyone.
7) Get in a Competition with Johnny Knoxville. That dude is crazy. I would undoubtedly get hurt, lose some sort of bodily fluid and or possibly lose the ability to have children. But at least I’d have a funny story.
6) Get Punched in the Stomach by Brock Lesnar. Notice I said stomach because If he punched me in the face, no one would ever recognize me again. This way I will still be in immeasurable pain, but it will only be broken ribs and not a broken face.
5) Swim Any Distance More Than 20 Feet. I like swimming pools, ponds, lakes, and rivers – I really do. But I much prefer to be ON the water, compared to being IN the water – know what I mean? I am lazy, therefore the shallow end or a lazy river is more my thing. Swimming long distance, not so much.
4) Get Tackled By John Lynch. Yes, this sounds crazy. It’s because it is. It would certainly be detrimental to my health, and even perhaps suicidal. But if one tackle from Lynch would stop the Favre stories – well I’m game.
3) Take a Math Test. Man oh man do I hate math. Like I fear numbers. Like for real. I seriously have problem counting change for a cup of coffee. But if taking a three hour algrebra exam would make all of this end – well then get me a calculator and sign me up.
2) Do a Workout Planned by Jillian Michaels. You know the female trainer from The Biggest Loser? Yeah that’s who i’m talking about. She is tough. She is mean. She is downright scary. And that is just on date night. In the weight room she is just pure evil.
1) Get into a fist fight with Michelle Rodriguez. Did you see SWAT? Or Resident Evil? This is one bad chick and I have no doubt that she could absolutely handle me – no questions asked. She is flat out tough and I am scared of her. You may say she is attractive. Not me and I don’t care what you or Vin Diesel have to say about it.